God2Share

Sometimes we don’t want those around us to know what we are going through.

We have our reasons.

Maybe we don’t want our loved ones to worry. Maybe we are afraid our friends will turn away from us. Maybe because we ourselves are unable to face that monster that stares us in the face. Maybe we believe that we should be strong enough to tackle this monster single handedly.

Whatever the reason, we are not ready ….not yet.

So we put on a smile and go through the motions, wanting others to believe we are fine.

We lie to ourselves, saying that no one knows.

And we breathe a sigh of relief.

That’s when it happens.

A wave of emotion so strong crashes over us that us feel like we are drowning. Even if our bodies are still, our minds are flailing and desperately wanting someone to notice us in the deep end of despair.

Sitting in the chair waiting to go back for surgery, that is precisely how I felt.

I had my reasons for not telling my loved ones. My Dad was already going through treatment for lung cancer. This was devastating enough for our family. Why worry anyone needlessly if the lump they were about to take out of my chest wasn’t cancer? My friends have enough going on in their lives to worry about me. Besides, wasn’t I strong enough to handle this on my own anyway? So I put on a smile, telling myself that it was probably nothing.

But when you are connected to IVs and prepping for surgery, you cannot escape the monster you have been hiding from anymore.

A surge of panic took over me like I had never felt before. My thoughts raced, but I could not move my body. I wanted desperately for someone to see me struggling in the deep.

Then I remembered. Someone did. Someone had been with me since the beginning. Someone knew my thoughts even if the rest of the world only saw my smile.

Psalm 139 : 1-10

1 Lord You have examined me 
and know all about me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I get up.
You know my thoughts before I think them.
3 You know where I go and where I lie down.
You know everything I do.
4 Lord, even before I say a word
You already know it.
5 You are all around me-in front and in back
And have put Your hand on me.
6 Your knowledge is amazing to me
It is more than I can understand
7 Where can I go to get away from Your Spirit?
Where can I run from You?
8 If I go to the heavens, You are there
If I lie down in the grave, You are there
9 If I rise with the sun in the east
And settle in the west beyond the sea,
10 Even there You will guide me
With Your right hand You would hold me.

And as soon as I said His name, I knew He was there. 
Sitting in that chair, I could feel a sense of peace wash over me. 
The waves of panic turned into calm because I spoke His name.
He saw me struggling in the deep and reached out His hand.
I could feel His presence in that sterile space.
My mind stopped racing.

He knew, even when no one else did.

Sisters, I do not know the monsters you are facing today. 
They have different names for each of us – cancer, addiction, shame, guilt, loneliness. 
The list is long.

But I promise you that even when you believe no one else knows, He does.

Let Him hold you with His right hand, whatever you are facing today.

He promises us we are never alone.

Amen.

They were a tangled mess.
How did that happen so quickly?
My headphones were in knots.
The cord looked like a pile of spaghetti noodles.
Would I be able to listen to my music if they were that twisted?
Would I be able to hear?

Looking at this tangled mess, I began to reflect on my own thoughts.
One minute, they are clear, confident, focused.
And then in what seems like a nanosecond, chaos takes over.
My thoughts are unsteady, uncertain, all over the place.
Just like that tangled mess.
How did I get here so quickly?

One minute I am confident in who I am and Whose I am, praising Him.
The next minute I am anxious and fearful, wondering if I matter at all.

Have you ever felt like that?

On a good day, I can stop that train before it ever leaves the station.
I do not let those thoughts penetrate my heart or my mind. 
I strike back quickly with the “sword of truth” …
“I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) or “If God can be for you, who can be against you?” (Romans 8:31). I have a little come to Jesus meeting in my head and say “not today, Satan, not today.”

But then there are those other days when it takes longer for me to pick up the sword. I don’t even realize that I am under attack. When I let my guard down, it is easy for the lies to chip away at my confidence. Doubt begins to penetrate my thoughts.

My trigger word is enough. My thoughts become twisted, just like the cord.
“You don’t do enough.” “You aren’t a good enough mother, wife, friend…” The list goes on and on. Before I know it, I am far away from who I am and more focused on who I think I should be.

Dear sisters, this is the very distraction that pulls us away from the One who gave us life.
If we are too busy trying to be everything to everyone, trying to measure up, we forget we are already everything to Him. We become like that tangled mess. And when are thoughts are a tangled mess, it becomes harder to hear His truth.

In my head and heart, I know this. And when it happens for the up-teenth time, I always come back to the same question: how did I get here again? How can I keep from coming back?

The answer is simple-spend more time with Him and in the Word. Jesus went off on His own to spend time with the Father. He needed the comfort and wisdom of God over the clamoring of the crowd. Sisters, we need that same time to curl up in our Father’s lap to remind us who we are. I pray that each of us takes the time to spend with Him daily.

Now, to untie that cord…..